so i went on hiatus. kind of like blink-182 and n'sync except i actually came back, and i didn't have to ditch anyone and start a solo project. i guess i didn't have much to write about for the last few months, partly because i was so damn busy with everything and partly because i just didn't freaking feel like it. but, here i am, back, and it's late in the... well... morning. there seems like so much to catch up on--which, as a side note, is why i hate talking to people i haven't seen in a while. are you supposed to just talk about whatever and not do the awkward "how've you been" talk where no one seems to be able to think of anything interesting to say about their lives? OR do you barge right into it and try to extract every little detail and then feel rejected when you realize that they didn't bother to tell you any of it?

it's better to just not answer the phone.

so-- time for the perfunctory update on me, which will be of the second, more rejecting sort since i literally didn't bother to tell you, whoever you are, any of this. unless of course you're nick. and then you know all of this. during my hiatus i have:
-seen LSU win a national championship and then suck righteously
-gone on a cruise
-been to mexico twice
-lost and gained 10-ish lbs.
-realized my boobs are getting pretty mondo-sized
-read a whole bunch of REALLY hard post-modern theory and then tried to inject it into non-academic conversation, ending up sounding like a total ass (but, should you be interested: www.lsueng3084.blogspot.com)
-turned 21 and milked that for all it's worth
-observed in my first english classroom and officially decided that i want to teach forever
-cut my hair short
-met the freaking coolest women ever
-dealt with some sister issues
-gone to see Yundi Li
-gotten a couples' massage
-seen mothereffing girltalk in concert
-taken a giant roadtrip
-sold my soul to FOCUS... again.
-become acquainted with, and lost touch with, some fascinating characters
-missed sarah, katie, harrison and mitchell terribly
-grown up a whole lot

i've been secretly missing this livejournal, i think. but now that i'm back i feel better. kind of like the revelation i had in church the other day. i had just finished reading "Another Roadside Attraction" by Tom Robbins and i was thinking that maybe i should just level with jesus and tell him what's really up with me instead of blowing holy incense smoke up his ass. i guess i figured that as long as i was in church and had an hour to kill before mass i might as well say something to the man. and it actually kind of worked. i felt a lot better about church in general, and about jesus and the whole God thing too. no one has the answers, i learned. no one can tell me for sure what the hell is actually going on, metaphysically speaking, so my guess is as good as anyone's. kind of comforting in a way, but kind of not. because here i am down here, thinking that there could be no God but there also could be a million gods or just one or maybe six. maybe buddhism is real but christianity isn't (but i guess "real" is a weird term to use in reference to abstractions). so say i'm kind of circling around all of these thoughts and i die. what then? what if there really is no god? or what if god and buddha decided that since i couldn't pick a side i have to go to hell? or be reincarnated as a condom? who knows? nobody. and that's the comforting/scary part. how did this relate to the LJ? it didn't really, except for serving as a jumping-off point.

i'm back. hope you enjoyed the break.

there are 11 days left until i see nicholas. there are almost 16 days left until i run off into the sunrise (not sunset, as we're leaving heartbreakingly early) with the man of my dreams, with the full blessing of my mother even though she knows it's going to take multiple days, which is a big deal coming from the woman who originally expected me to be a virgin until i married at the age of 28. there are 19 days left until i arrive in baton rouge, which could be my home for many many years, and 20 days left until i move into the apartment i will live in when i graduate from college. there are 23 days left until i begin the FOCUS program which i lost so much sleep over and invested so much time, emotion and effort. there are about 60 days until i start my junior year of college.

the rest of my life begins in a matter of days, and all i can do is wonder what my apartment will look like when it's all decorated and obsess over what to wear to the airport to pick up nick. i'll blame that all on my inability to process the magnitude of this situation.

i've never felt so old.

gas is way, WAY too expensive. and yet i keep driving to carlsbad, about an hour away from my house, because i want to have something to do and not be left out of the action during my Last Summer In California. i keep thinking "i'll never be here again, i should go", and then of course i put $40 in my gas tank and it just completely chaps my ass to lose all of that hard earned japanese given money to my gas tank.

also, i wonder how you get on those food network shows where the contestants have to cook for a bunch of guests. i would love to do that. (sorry, random thought)

OH YEAH!! i can't believe i forgot to mention this before. so last night, i was driving down the 15 to carlsbad (quelle suprise) and all the cars in front of me kept pulling over but i couldn't see if they were pulling back onto the road or not. my thought process went something like this, "...hmm, that's strange... i wonder why everyone's pulling over. maybe they're all in a caravan. that must be it, they must be in a caravan and someone must have to pee OH MY FUCKING GOD A BOAT!!!" that's right, boys and girls, there was a boat in the middle of the freeway. not a canoe or a kayak. a BOAT. the kind middle class people buy to vacation at the lake and drive around fast and pretend they're rich. a motorboat. a motorboat devoid of any kind of trailer or reason for sitting in the freeway. after my brush with death, i was tempted to call the policia but i saw quite a few people pulled over close to where the boat was, so i figured they were all calling the cops. and it wasn't there when i went home this morning, so i guess it got taken care of, right?


i'm exhausted.

well, i got on here on a whim to post yet another complaining post about how i can't sleep, and because i can't sleep i ended up reading a great deal of what i've written over the last year. I'm going to be honest, i really like the way i write when i don't have any standards to conform to. i finally understand what all those teachers meant when they talked about "finding your writing voice". whenever i read something i wrote on this LJ, its unmistakably me. when i'm a teacher, i'm going to encourage kids to find their voices like i found mine, except for i'll probably have to edit a bit for spelling and punctuation because that's what teachers today are expected to do if they want to keep their jobs.

SO... how about an update on life? life, as of right now, is more good than bad. i am working at a sushi restaurant and making decent money and decent tips. not nearly as much money as i was making at daphnes, or nearly as much in tips as i was at joe's, but i'm genuinely happy to be going into work when i have to because i enjoy it there. everyone is actually nice. but then again, i've only been there for two weeks so we'll see if that changes or not. nick and i are still a power-couple, and i am straight up in love. i know my poor little heart is going to be shattered into a bajillion pieces if this relationship ever ends, which i am not so naive as to think it can't or won't, but i don't even care. if Keith The Asshole taught me anything, it's that you can't regret the good times just because bad ones follow. i am living in california until mid-july, when i go back to baton rouge for good and take all of my stuff with me to my new apartment!! huzzah!

which brings me to my next quandary: what the hell will my life be like next semester? it's funny to think about it this way, but i determined my core group of friends for the last 4 semesters by who i attended football games with. now, katie and harrison and sarah will be overseas for a semester, mitchell and taylor will be out of state, and i can't expect poor sajid to babysit me every game day, can i? nick won't have tickets because he's not a student, and my sister will have her own friends. who will i tailgate with for the last season i'm not allowed to drink? it's a conundrum that must be solved eventually.

my mind is racing right now. red bulls are almost equal to adderall in their potency. i flip from nick to decorating my apartment to FOCUS to work to spanish to baton rouge to graduation to how i should be freaking asleep all in a split second. well, not a split second because that would be much faster than i could type, now wouldn't it?

i have to pee so badly and i'm starving. BUT i have lost circa 8 or 9 pounds (why is that abbreviated LBs? there are no Ls or Bs in the word "pound". wtf.) from diet, exercise, and straight up discipline (as in, i know there is an entire carton of delicious, sinfully wonderful ice cream in the freezer that i could demolish, but i will have one large scoop and be done with it... not much discipline when you look at the olsen twins, but eew on them anyway) hooray for being happy with my shirt off again and for being able to wear tight shirts without someone putting their hand on my belly and asking when i'm due!!

also, i've noticed that i've become more comfortable with the fat/whore jokes now that i'm losing weight and in a happy, committed relationship. does that say something about me? like, i can't take a joke when i know it's true? hmm... more investigation is needed on that one at a later date.

god, this post is so long. no one will ever read this thing it's so long. why the eff am i still awake????? i'm going to google "fall asleep faster" and click on the first thing that isn't a drug ad and see what happens.

goodnight for now. and sorry for the long time between posts, i've missed you and i hope you've missed me. (that last sentence sounds oddly similar to my opening statements to god when i pray in church. as in, "hey god, it's me... sorry for the long time between praying..." and then i fail to come up with a good excuse for not praying because, hey, it's god, and then i feel bad and just throw in a few hail marys and be done)(that is so sacreligious. i'm so burning in hell.)

i. cannot. sleep.




goddamn sugar free redbulls and their not-delicious energy provision.

it's fucking hot. everywhere. i go upstairs, i'm sweating. i go downstairs, i'm sweaty from walking around and it's no fucking cooler downstairs. i put the fan on, and it blows hot air around. i watch TV and i'm hot. i work on my computer and i'm hot. and jobless. i fucking hate california.

DUUUUUUUDDEE, bitches be stealing my dish towels!!! aahhhh!!!



i distinctly remember bringing certain stuff into the apartment as MINE, but then so do the other three girls. whatever, those towels have too much nastay on them anyway.

i have many projects due, and it would be easier to get started right away, but i'd like to procrastinate for a bit and plan out what i need to do with each.

1. Spanish Presentation:
-finish detailed outline of what info i want included
-make powerpoint
-practice, practice, practice
-make cookies tomorrow night to suck up to prof. costela
-practice more

2. FOCUS journals
-type up a final journal
-go to walmart and buy: black trifold board, photo paper?, glue, etc.
-create glorious trifold advertisement board
-print out all journal entries and put in a folder

3. EDCI Project:
-take pictures at Teen Center Wednesday
-go to Walmart and buy construction paper, glitter, etc. to make spread and print pictures
-figure out what's going on with a paper

4. English Project:
-get nick to finish photoshopping stuff & print
-meet with group to determine who's talking about what
-figure out what's going on with paper

5. FOCUS in general
-finish planning lunches, email at end of may to figure out details
-ensure that each GL group has their shit hammered down for their seminars
-keep up with rec, sac and 459
-work on other schedules

6. Tests
-study for Spanish 3010
-read for EDCI over the weekend
-review for English

good god.

http://www.wearyourstory.com/product_view.php?id=272

go check that out... recognize the model? woo!!

so even though this week is going to be stressful like no other and full of B.S. i'm sure, i am having a great morning so far. maybe part of it has to do with getting an apartment????? WOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!


well, so much for procrastinating, gotta go be productive (that's the motto for the whole week)

I went to the farmer's market today by myself. I am growing more and more comfortable with being by myself--which is to say, going places by myself, not actually being ALONE in life. It was so nice, though! To go and just hang out and relax and not have to worry about where my companion wants to go, what music they want to listen to, etc. It's all about me, and that's nice. Also, I bought way too much stuff. I bought:

strawberries
3 bell peppers
grape tomatoes (red and yellow, woot)
green onion sausage
fresh ricotta cheese
salsa
greek roasted eggplant spread
wasabi goat cheese
herb goat cheese
7-grain french bread

i think that's it, but man am i excited to eat all my stuff. yum!!

so i'm off to finish my taxes, work on FOCUS stuff and do homework (for the first time in what feels like forever). but, as i am solo for the weekend, i'd love to hang out with you. so call me!! LOVE.